Hyperlane +

Your Sinclair

Life Expectancy 82%

Graphics 70%

Addictiveness 10%

Instant Appeal 82%

Overall 72%

Rich Pelley 72%

Oh no! That really rather crap feature about really rather crap things (written by a really rather crap person) is back!! (Aaaaaargh!!!) RICH PELLEY proudly present the latest scintillating episode of... CRAP GAME CORNER - THE NEXT GENERATION A big "Hello and welcome!" to Crap Game Corner Numero Trois. And, boy, are the games in this issue crap or what? just in case you forgot, this is the bit where you write a game, send it in, and we slag it off because it's pathetically useless (ie crap, hence the Crap Game bit). Simple, eh? For further explanation, here's a poem I prepared earlier... They re not all nice and lovely like a big ice-cream, Or pretty like coloured birdies, Or fun like going for a picnic with your chums, Or snogging lots of girlies. Nope. Instead they're one of the bad things in life, Which aren't much use to any woman or, erm, chap. Because (believe me) the games you people have sent in* Are absolutely CRAP. *Well, most of them (Cough.) Sussed now? (Cough.) Sussed now? HYPERLANE+ And it could be yours for a snippish £2.99 from EDS, [redacted]. A 'proper' game, this. It seems you've decided that Earth is a bit of a crap place to live and opted instead to blast off into outer space and go and live happily on the planet Paradise. A fine idea indeed but things don't go quite according to plan, and to cut a long story short you end up zapping squillions of aliens instead. Which is a very long-winded way of saying it's a shoot-'em-up (of the side-view horizontally-scrolling variety). Baddy-wise there's loads - spooky blobby circle jobbies that weave their way towards you, big green hamburger things that sort of wobble back and forth, bouncy circle blobs and oodles more besides. And there's lots of colour too - including these whopping great huge explosions that, er, explode everywhere every time you hit something. Oh yeah, and mustn't forget the add-on weapons system, which basically comprises guns/speed-ups/shield/extra life and probably a whole lot more besides. Grumbles? Well, it's none too original (although it is a bit hard to be original with this sort of thing), there's not enough going on at times, and things tend to be a tad jerky. But let's not be too fussy, eh? After all, this is Crap Game Corner, isn't it? (Yes, it is.) Well, crapsters, look like it's time to say "Toodle pip!" (although I'm not entirely sure why). Tune in next ish for more of the same (only, of course, a bit different really). And in the meantime, if you'd like to make an appearance in Crap Game Corner then here's what to do... - Write a Crap Game. (Or perhaps not - we're going to be concentrating more on the 'proper' games from now on. Doesn't mean we don't welcome pitifully bad entries, or even write about them, just that we'll be giving the good ones the attention they deserve.) - Send it to me, Rich Pelley, at Crap Game Corner, Your Sinclair, [redacted] (underwear optional). Bit of a doddle really. See you next issue. Bye!

Not a bad little spaceship, true, but what's that up ahead? A planet? A crap explosion? (Who knows?)

BUT WHAT ABOUT ANOTHER RATING SYSTEM, JOHN? The usual one's not rubbish enough, so we've had to come up with something different. And here it is... Technical Ingenuity How impressive is the 'ensemble'? Is it written in machine code with lots of clever routines and a pretty loading screen? Congratulations and have a high mark. Or knocked off in BASIC in a couple of minutes? Have an extremely low mark (and consider yourself lucky). Achievement Did you achieve whatever you set out to do in the first place? Or is it a case of c've d.b. (could've done better)? Crap Factor Ranging from 'completely', through 'quote' to (in extreme cases) 'only just a bit'. Fun Or to put it another way, how fun is it? (No, didn't think so.) Overall If we were to take your game and release it 'properly' how well would it do? The people who've written the good games get the high marks, those of you foolish enough to have written a deliberately diabolical one are down there with the sewage.

OOOPS! Seems like I forgot to mention where to get hold of some of the better games in the last CGC. So (ahem) here they are... If you want to find out about the well-worth-having GODS then write to Mr and Mrs Barnsley, [redacted]. Then there's FILECARD - a mere £2.99 cass/£7.99 disk from Jeremy Jenkins, [redacted]. And you can get the brilliant Destrux for £4.95 from D Alderson, [redacted].