Maria's Christmas Box18+

Crash

Presentation 32%

Graphics 22%

Sound 8%

Playability 25%

Addictive Qualities 21%

Overall 23%

Phil King 21%

Stuart Wynne 24%

Drop your hands, or your trousers!! Producer: Anco Software Your Stake: £9.95 Author: John Mitchell Shock, horror! Page Three Maria Whittaker is really an alien shape-changerl The appalling truth is revealed not by the Sunday Sport, but by Kent-based software house Anco. In a series of hand-drawn pictures from their latest strip-poker release they show Maria's face covered in ugly red splotches while her body becomes increasingly bizarre - one screen shows her arm is contoured exactly like the coastline of Norway! Well, this has got to be the most offensive software we've seen in ages. Not only does it offend feminists, but gratuitously insults Maria Whittaker fans, poker enthusiasts, unemployed graphic artists, anyone without a white stick and no doubt Maria Whittaker herself. Something of an achievement we think. To be honest the poker isn't too bad, although once you've completed the game, after an hour or so, the £9.95 might seem rather black comedy. In fact there is an option to play another 'girl' which, when selected, painstakingly loads in another 23 blocks and guess what? The pictures are exactly the same as those you've already seen! Anco offends buyers yet again! The quality of the programming is perhaps best judged by the incredibly slow and jerky scrolling of ironic messages across the bottom of the screen. Readers tempted by this dubious release, can thus be assured neither game nor graphics are worth £1.99, let alone £9.95, even the poster is poor being an exact duplicate of the tacky, but perfectly demure, cover. STUART 24% THE ESSENTIALS Joysticks: Cursor Graphics: badly-drawn pictures of Maria (we think) in various states of undress Sound: a pathetic card shuffling noise that sounds like a severe case of flatulence - perhaps Maria had beanz for dinner

Maria Whittaker (or so we're told) being coy.