Dyzonium

Your Sinclair

Overall 82%

Jon Pillar 82%

FRED Publishing £9.99 [redacted] Coincidence is a funny thing; such is its nature. Dyzonium is almost identical to Bosconian '87, a Mastertronic arcade conversion of, erm, six years back. We are assured by the FRED people that programmer Balor Knight has never seen the Mastertronic game and that the whole thing is one enormous coincidence. Sounds fair enough. Dyzonium suffers from one of the worst plots of all time. Plots like this were outlawed in 1983. Storylines such as Dyzonium's have brought governments to the brink of fiscal disaster and caused grown men to break down and become commodity brokers for no readily explicable reason. Sit down and grip a close friend as I regale you with the gist of the inlay. Earth's energy resources have been depleted, so Dr Zyzedd sets out to gather as much of the energy-rich dyzonium crystals as possible. Out to spike his plans are 25th century time invaders from the universe of Xzonia. Right, it's all over now. Take a deep breath. Drink this glass of water. Isn't that better? HERE'S ARTHUR 'TWO-SHEDS' JACKSON! Eight-way scrolling is the name of the game with Dyzonium. As (aarghh) Dr Zyzedd you fly a twistily manoeuvrable fighter with fixed-wing guns (so whichever direction you're flying in. that's where the bullets go). The crystals (and a number of power-up icons) are guarded by squadrons of baddies who zip around their little sectors of space with guns blazing. You have to pick your way among the various clumps of aliens, zapping or dodging them and grabbing the valuables they're hoarding. Easier said than done. Those fixed-wing guns cause no end of trouble, as you have to fly directly at an alien to score a hit. This is tremendously difficult. Even if you do shoot a bad guy, the resulting hugely destructive explosion can just as easily kill you. Pah. Throw away your joystick and get in plenty of practice with jinking your ship about is my advice. Balor Knight seems blessed with a great talent to create original and fantastically playable games, but cursed with the desire to make them unspeakably difficult. In Dyzonium you get one life (one!) and any hit saps vast amounts of energy. It's all you can do to stay in the skies for the first couple of hours. After that things improve, and you soon find yourself merrily sounding out the enemy defences, then taking on the smaller groups first to build up your powers before tackling the big boys As in Astroball, things run at a constant not-zippy-but-fast-enough-to-keep-you-constantly-worried kind of speed. Awfully cunning. Of course, once you've had the phenomenally good luck to have shot down all the baddies and rescued all the crystals, you're then treated to the next level. There are ten in all. Nobody I know has passed Level Two. I mean, come on, even Astroball didn't get impossibly hard until about Level Five. The overall effect of playing Dyzonium is like taking part in a 2D Deathchase with moving trees that fire back. You don't have to approach any of the groups - you can quite happily flit about in the spaces in between. But they're just too tempting. After watching for a bit from a safe distance, you're compelled to rush in, blast at all and sundry and (inevitably) get killed. Then (equally inevitably) have another go. If only 'tweren't so instantly tricky, we could well have been looking at Balor's third Megagame. But it is, so we aren't. Bit of a pity really.

Spook fact number five: And this is the other one. 'Wilbur, Natalie and the twins were untouched by the wave of madness sweeping the nation. Lucky really.'

Spook fact number four: this is one of only two captions written by me this issue. Fascinating, eh?

Well, what do you know? I've actually written three captions this month. Well well well. On with... (damn).

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